I got the scholarship.... after hunting high and low for 2 years, sleeping at the wee hours to browse the scholarship info in Google and pleading around recommenders to write reference letters for me....now it has yielded.
The NFP, a Nederland government scholarship for institution which has no tie with Nederland government (unlike STUNED which is awarded for Indonesian institutions that have cooperation with Nederland government) , has reduced the number of awardees this year. In the previews years, NFP had allocated 200 awardees from 61 countries, 100 of which were especially allocated for African-country awardees. Every year, there were only 10-15 awardees from Indonesia. So you have a picture how tough the competition is, let alone this year after the NFP awardee number has been reduced significantly. I didnt expect to get it, but thank GOD I eventually made it.....
I thought I would jump and told my parents right away happily once I got scholarship awardee notification, but I wasn't.... My over-controlling parents had pissed me off on something so grave that I didnt know when to talk to them again.They forced me to go inside the house when I went out to the sound of kitten yearning. I am a very good daughter, but would stand up whenever they humiliate me, treat me disrespectfully.
I always have problem with my dad. He is a disrespect unhappy person who always tries hard to degrade my dignity in order to force me to obey him. He falls down to every category of abusive father. You may dislike my opinion, and try to defend him by telling me how I should have been grateful having been taken care and grown up to become smart like I am today, but no....I am sorry, he is the most repulsive force in this world for me. He had tried every way to stumble me down, by not financing me to go to college over his anger, by unfairly not giving me a chance - even for once - to drive a car no matter how critical the condition that I need it the most, while all my siblings have freedom to drive it whenever they like, and by cutting all access my friends try to contact me, and even yelled to boys who tried to call me. He has never been there when I need a father.
On the other hand, my mother is a true angel. He is a savior, a protector, a help and an aid God's given me. It is she who helped me when my father had decided to stop finance my college study, it was she who also financed my master degree when my father refused hard to do so, having certain belief that I would have been fail in master degree anyway, it is she who listens to my ideas, etc.....etc.... My mother - having witnessed how I have been very hard to struggle with constant repulsive force from my father - respect my strength. She acknowledges how strong I am, how I have the most skills compared to my siblings despite the unfair treatment, and how I always rebound whenever I am down to my knees.
My mother has also been treated very bad by my dad too. My dad doesn't use physical force to my mother, but his words are toxic. He has also never been there when needed. He is a dysfunctional family leader. I had always asked my mother why she didn't divorce him, but my mother always answers : "I have a pity on your father....Nobody would take care of him (if I divorced him)". Such a big heart of my mother.....
However, despite the bitterness, I still can learn the lesson having lived with dysfunctional parents. I become aware of how my words having effects on people so that I become a charming and a wise person at the same time - that's my friends & my students description on me. I know how it is to become unwise (like my father always does) and how it is to become wise (like my responsible caring mother). Having learned that I can never rely on my father who is supposed to protect me, I become a very independent person. I have also witnessed the negative person in my father, that made me becoming a positive person.
But, my experience with my father made me avoiding conflict in relationships. I always fly from my relationships with men no matter how I loved him at that time, whenever I sensed destructiveness and negativity in them, like my father is. I dont want to live in a relationship like I have been living with my father. It is very good and safe action to fly from a prospective toxic relationship, but it made me never be able to move forward and resolve conflicts in relationship. I know there must have been conflicts in any relationship sometimes, but I just can't face it and I just can't take a risk.... I dont know whether I will find solution someday in term of relationship, find someone and settle down with him.
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